martes, marzo 29, 2005

Are You Okay?

Lately, when someone asks, "Are you okay?" I feel like snapping back at her/him. That is such a generic question that you could only answer with an, "I'm fine." Don't you notice that when you ask that question, the replies are usually, "I'm okay," "I'm fine," "I'm doing well," "I'm doing great!" when truthfully, we aren't those things. Not all of the time, of course, but most of the time anyway. And why do we do it? A lot of reasons... Mostly to avoid more questions.

I am one of these people. Many persons tend to ask me if I'm okay. And when I am in a good mood, I answer them honestly, but right now, I am in a bad mood, and this happens lately. I don't know why. I still feel pressured even though school's out and there's nothing to attend to. My mood has been changing drastically, like, a moment, you're having a fit of giggles, then the next one, you're annoyed.

Back to my original point: I am in a bad mood, and I tend to reply, "I'm fine," when I know I'm not. I AM NOT FINE! I am always in a cursing mood, I want to snap all the time, I have no one to talk to, because some people who claim they're friends do not even take time to talk to me.

I want to break down, really. Crying helps me a lot, especially in releasing emotions that I couldn't express. But for some reason, my eyes are dry, like I've cried too much. Hey, I am still a person. I am not perfect. I have my moments too.

Lately, I've been sleeping late and waking up late. I don't know, I just don't want to talk to people around the house. I want to talk to my friends, who I guess doesn't want to talk to me, or are just busy with their lives. They don't even make the effort to say hi. It's unfair.

But there is one friend. She's actually the reason I'm writing this. I feel touched because of the concern she showed me. She was asking why I'm wearing myself out and I started to reply that nothing, that I'm fine, when I realized that I'm not fine for now.

Here is what I need:

1. A good night sleep
2. A friend to talk to

Because:

1. I feel lonely and insecure
2. No one cares
3. I want to talk to a friend.

Clearly, if this keeps up, then I will become a depressive person. You want that to happen?

*-*

I have another friend. I don't know if I'm still *her* friend, because *she* doesn't talk to me much. Mostly, *she* just ignores me. Maybe *she* got bored with me. I mean, look at me... she must think I'm boring and predictable. *She* doesn't drop by like she used to, just to say hi, but I've noticed she's always saying hi to other people. Or maybe I'm just too selfish for attention. I've always been like that, you know, and it's so pathetic that I've decided to change that. But deep inside, it hasn't changed. Not at all.

If you will read my previous post, you will see that I want to be irresponsible. I want to be a child once more so that I'll have attention and people will watch over me, because now that I've grown, they mostly let me be.

My friend is perfect. My friend is talented, and everyone's attention is directed to her, not ME. I know, I may sound truly pathetic, but I let them be. I don't want to grab attention because if everyone's noticing me just because I told them to, then it won't feel right. I feel like I'm living in my friend's shadow, so that's why I'm posting this song, which I could totally relate to.

SHADOW
Ashlee Simpson
Autobiography


I was six years old
When my parents went away
I was stuck inside a broken life
I couldn't wish away
She was beautiful
She had everything and more
And my escape was hiding out and running for the door

Somebody listen please
It used to be so hard being me
Living in the shadow
Of someone else's dream
Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me
Living in a nightmare
A never-ending sleep
But now that I am wide awake
My chains are finally free
Don't feel sorry for me

All the days collided
One less perfect than the next
I was stuck inside someone else's life and always second best
Oh, I love you now 'cause now I realize
That it's safe outside to come alive in my identity

So if you're listening
There's so much more to me you haven't seen
Living in the shadow
Of someone else's dream
Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me
Living in a nightmare
A never-ending sleep
But now that I am wide awake
Then I can finally see
Don't feel sorry for me-

Mother, sister, father, sister, mother
Everything's cool now
Mother, sister, father, sister, mother
Everything's cool now
Oh, my life is good
I've got more than anyone should
Oh, my life is good
And the past is in the past

I was living in the shadow
Of someone else's dream
Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me
I'm living in a new day
I'm living it for me
And now that I am wide awake
Then I can finally see
Don't feel sorry for me
Don't feel sorry, don't feel sorry for me
Don't feel sorry, don't feel sorry for me

Living in, living in, living in the shadow
Living in, living in, living in a new day


I would be totally lying if I said that I don't mind she has all the attention. Anyways, I'm supposed to be happy right now, because someone just made me happy, but... yeah, I turned sad. Like I said, I just need a good night sleep, and a good friend, if I can find one. But I'm feeling slightly better, now that I've expressed some hidden feelings.

It's not that I'm like this all the time. I have good days too, but I'm having a bad day and I just want to vent out my feelings. When I have a good day, I'll vent out my feelings too.